Oh how I wish this post was going to be as sexy as that title suggests!
But the truth is, the male figure lying next to me at night, is a 22 month old. And now, after a year of (mostly) happily sleeping by himself, my 4 1/2 year old has decided he wants to sleep with me too. So he's taken over the bottom of the bed.
Meanwhile, my husband is upstairs enjoying the solitude of having his own bed. In fact, my husband and I haven't slept in the same bed (except on a very rare occasion or two) since a few months after my first was born, so well over four years at this point.
I never even intended to be a co-sleeping parent. It all started because my first son was such a horrible, horrible sleeper. He would wake up screaming every 30 minutes to an hour. Co-sleeping pushed him closer to the hour mark. But my husband decided that there was no reason for us both to be woken up every hour, so he moved to the guest room. (Yes, there is a strong argument that he should have helped me at night, especially since I work full time too, but that is a topic for another time.)
He continued to be a horrible sleeper for a full 3 1/2 years. My husband took over sleeping with him when I was hugely pregnant with our second son. (Boy was that was a difficult transition!)
When the second came baby, I didn't co-sleep initially. I actually slept in a recliner because it was more comfortable for me at first, and the baby slept well in a swing. But then, we moved to a new house, he started teething, and he got too big to stay in the swing. I did try to put him in a crib, but he didn't sleep well. (And really, I strongly distrust cribs.) So, back to co-sleeping it was.
I generally don't mention to people that I don't sleep with my husband. I'm somewhat embarrassed by it. I know there are many who would tell me to kick the boys out of the bed and go sleep with my husband. In fact, some might say it is my "duty" (gag) to do so.
But you know what, my babies will only be little once. And right now they need me. And frankly, I need them. While I never, ever intended to co-sleep prior to having kids, I really do enjoy it. I like being close to them at night. I like knowing they are safe and sound right next to me. I like being able to respond to them as quickly as possible if they wake.
Don't get me wrong--I do look forward to a day when I will be able to sleep all night in a bed with my husband. And I really wish my four-year-old with get past this stage and go back to sleeping on his own. (This is probably payback for judging--unintentionally I swear--my friend who still sleeps with her 7 1/2 year old son.)
But I don't have the heart to make them sleep alone. I even rearranged the night time routine to accommodate. (I have to get the toddler to sleep BEFORE his brother is allowed to enter the room. Otherwise he thinks it is party time and takes for freaking ever to settle down and go to sleep.)
So, at what age do you cut the co-sleeping strings? I don't know. I guess it is different for every parent and child. I thought I had already done that with the four-year-old. My goal has been to get the boys to sleep with each other, so I could quietly move out. So maybe this will lead to that goal. But I also know that I will miss this terribly some day!
The situation does make it difficult for hubby and I to, umm, find alone time. But we do manage. And I should really make sure to manage more. I find myself putting all my energy into caring for the boys. It is really easy to sort of forget about hubby, or to just assume I don't have to put any work into our marriage, which of course I do. I'm truly trying to find a better balance, but it is hard!
I guess I'll just keep playing it by ear. That is the only "plan" that seems to stick.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Friday, December 3, 2010
Kid Labels
I've written before about mommy labels, but lately I've been thinking about the labels we all put on our kids. I mean, we try not to. But we do.
For example, Baby Boy K is the somewhat socially-awkward, book-smart, marching-to-his-own-drum type. While Baby Boy B is the social, physically advanced (probably going to be athletic), smart in a figure-out-how-to-do-things way, sweet and mean at the same time, and flirty one. This is how we see them. I mean, it is how they act right now at age 4 years and 22 months.
While these labels aren't overtly negative, I really fear placing the kids in a box. While basic personality doesn't tend to change, we all learn and grow and change to certain degrees. Growing up I felt like I was trapped by others' perceptions of me, having to be a certain way because that is how other people thought of me. I don't want that to happen to my kids, if I can help it.
While I'm very much guilty of using these labels (which isn't always a bad thing), I try to counter act them by paying attention to and pointing out when they do things that don't fall into those labels. For example, I try to brag on Baby Boy B when he does or says something "smart". I try to encourage Kaden when he interacts well with other children. I love that Kaden is not a follower, but I try to encourage him to some times go along with his playmates in whatever they want to do.
Somehow there has to be a balance between showcasing their natural strengths and talents and also encouraging them to be open to new experiences.
What are the labels stuck on your kids? Do you try to combat the labels in any way?
For example, Baby Boy K is the somewhat socially-awkward, book-smart, marching-to-his-own-drum type. While Baby Boy B is the social, physically advanced (probably going to be athletic), smart in a figure-out-how-to-do-things way, sweet and mean at the same time, and flirty one. This is how we see them. I mean, it is how they act right now at age 4 years and 22 months.
While these labels aren't overtly negative, I really fear placing the kids in a box. While basic personality doesn't tend to change, we all learn and grow and change to certain degrees. Growing up I felt like I was trapped by others' perceptions of me, having to be a certain way because that is how other people thought of me. I don't want that to happen to my kids, if I can help it.
While I'm very much guilty of using these labels (which isn't always a bad thing), I try to counter act them by paying attention to and pointing out when they do things that don't fall into those labels. For example, I try to brag on Baby Boy B when he does or says something "smart". I try to encourage Kaden when he interacts well with other children. I love that Kaden is not a follower, but I try to encourage him to some times go along with his playmates in whatever they want to do.
Somehow there has to be a balance between showcasing their natural strengths and talents and also encouraging them to be open to new experiences.
What are the labels stuck on your kids? Do you try to combat the labels in any way?
Monday, November 29, 2010
My little four-year-old liar
Baby boy K is in preschool. He is honestly one of the most well-behaved children out there. At the last parent-teacher conference, Mrs. P told me he never gives her any trouble and is such a pleasure to teach. (Yes, I’m a proud momma.) But…
We have a lying problem on our hands. Apparently he did get in trouble at school one day. It wasn’t a big deal at all, but he got a time out. He reports on his behavior every day, and we thought something was going on when he said he didn’t want to talk about it. But later on, when my husband talked to him one on one, he promised he hadn’t gotten in trouble, and that was the “truth”. But it wasn’t.
The thing is, I have no idea why he doesn’t want us to know so badly. I can only guess that he just doesn’t want to disappoint us. But I really, really want him to feel like he can tell us anything!
To further complicate things, my husband doesn’t know yet that it was a lie. My mother-in-law spoke to the teacher when she dropped him off the next school day and the teacher told her about it. I (dumbly) promised her I wouldn’t tell DH before she would tell me what she found out. (She didn’t want DH to be mad at K for lying.) (And yes, I should have talked to the teacher directly myself.)
Now, I don’t know what to do. I talked to K, telling him that I knew that he had gotten a time-out at school, and that it was OK because everyone makes mistakes, but that he shouldn’t have lied about it, and that he should always tell us the truth. I haven’t told DH. He will probably find out about it at the next teacher’s conference. And I hate not telling him. But it’s been a week now. So who do I tick off, DH or MIL? Or just pretend to be surprised at the teacher conference?
K has been showing other signs of lying too, small white lies, (i.e. “yes, I ate all my beans”), to saying things like, “I’ll just tell daddy...” something that is not true. I don’t want to raise a pathological liar, and I feel guilty that K has not had any consequences for lying.
Does anyone have any ideas??
UPDATE:
About a week after the incident, Baby Boy K suddenly confessed that he had gotten a time out. We simply told him that it was OK but next time he needs to tell us when things like that happen. I guess he'll be alright after all. ;-)
We have a lying problem on our hands. Apparently he did get in trouble at school one day. It wasn’t a big deal at all, but he got a time out. He reports on his behavior every day, and we thought something was going on when he said he didn’t want to talk about it. But later on, when my husband talked to him one on one, he promised he hadn’t gotten in trouble, and that was the “truth”. But it wasn’t.
The thing is, I have no idea why he doesn’t want us to know so badly. I can only guess that he just doesn’t want to disappoint us. But I really, really want him to feel like he can tell us anything!
To further complicate things, my husband doesn’t know yet that it was a lie. My mother-in-law spoke to the teacher when she dropped him off the next school day and the teacher told her about it. I (dumbly) promised her I wouldn’t tell DH before she would tell me what she found out. (She didn’t want DH to be mad at K for lying.) (And yes, I should have talked to the teacher directly myself.)
Now, I don’t know what to do. I talked to K, telling him that I knew that he had gotten a time-out at school, and that it was OK because everyone makes mistakes, but that he shouldn’t have lied about it, and that he should always tell us the truth. I haven’t told DH. He will probably find out about it at the next teacher’s conference. And I hate not telling him. But it’s been a week now. So who do I tick off, DH or MIL? Or just pretend to be surprised at the teacher conference?
K has been showing other signs of lying too, small white lies, (i.e. “yes, I ate all my beans”), to saying things like, “I’ll just tell daddy...” something that is not true. I don’t want to raise a pathological liar, and I feel guilty that K has not had any consequences for lying.
Does anyone have any ideas??
UPDATE:
About a week after the incident, Baby Boy K suddenly confessed that he had gotten a time out. We simply told him that it was OK but next time he needs to tell us when things like that happen. I guess he'll be alright after all. ;-)
Thursday, November 18, 2010
A new start with religion?
I’ve been thinking about religion a lot lately. I grew up Baptist, was baptized and considered myself a Christian as a young teen. As I grew up, I found myself not agreeing with a lot of things the church said and really wondering if there was actually a god at all. I’ve considered myself agnostic, bordering on atheist for a while now. But…
My husband wants to go to church. He thinks it would be good for the boys and a way for us to feel like more of a part of the community. I’ve been very reluctant about it, but finally agreed. As it came time to go, I actually found myself getting excited about the prospect, which has really surprised me. I told him I wanted to try an Episcopal church because my liberal views aren’t going to change, and if I am going to go to church, it has to be a liberal one. (And there aren’t that many liberal choices in our small Kentucky town.)
So we went a couple of weeks ago. We walked in to the church and were immediately greeted by someone. Several people came to introduce themselves to us. We took our seats and waited for the service to begin. The service was of course very different than anything I was accustomed to, having really only been to Baptist churches. It seems to be more of a ceremony of sorts. It was hard to concentrate though because Baby Boy B was restless, wanting to run around, and Baby Boy K started crying (whining) to go home. We only lasted 30 minutes.
I was disappointed, but not ready to give it up. I can’t believe I am actually pushing this! I e-mailed the church through their website, explaining why we left and asking about their thoughts about children. The pastor (a woman) ended up calling me and we had a very nice conversation. She said she loves to see kids in the service, and their restlessness didn’t bother her at all, but they do have a nursery if we would rather do that.
So I think we will. I’m not sure if I’ll ever become a true believer in God or Jesus Christ. But at least at this church, they don’t scream at you every week, telling you that you have to do x, y and z or you’re going to hell, and women must be submissive to their husbands and not have any kind of leadership role in the church. I don’t mean to offend any Baptists out there, but that was just my experience growing up.
I’ve been very critical of organized religion, especially Christianity, and I still have my qualms about it all. But since I feel like they (religious folk) need to have open minds, then I need to do the same.
My husband wants to go to church. He thinks it would be good for the boys and a way for us to feel like more of a part of the community. I’ve been very reluctant about it, but finally agreed. As it came time to go, I actually found myself getting excited about the prospect, which has really surprised me. I told him I wanted to try an Episcopal church because my liberal views aren’t going to change, and if I am going to go to church, it has to be a liberal one. (And there aren’t that many liberal choices in our small Kentucky town.)
So we went a couple of weeks ago. We walked in to the church and were immediately greeted by someone. Several people came to introduce themselves to us. We took our seats and waited for the service to begin. The service was of course very different than anything I was accustomed to, having really only been to Baptist churches. It seems to be more of a ceremony of sorts. It was hard to concentrate though because Baby Boy B was restless, wanting to run around, and Baby Boy K started crying (whining) to go home. We only lasted 30 minutes.
I was disappointed, but not ready to give it up. I can’t believe I am actually pushing this! I e-mailed the church through their website, explaining why we left and asking about their thoughts about children. The pastor (a woman) ended up calling me and we had a very nice conversation. She said she loves to see kids in the service, and their restlessness didn’t bother her at all, but they do have a nursery if we would rather do that.
So I think we will. I’m not sure if I’ll ever become a true believer in God or Jesus Christ. But at least at this church, they don’t scream at you every week, telling you that you have to do x, y and z or you’re going to hell, and women must be submissive to their husbands and not have any kind of leadership role in the church. I don’t mean to offend any Baptists out there, but that was just my experience growing up.
I’ve been very critical of organized religion, especially Christianity, and I still have my qualms about it all. But since I feel like they (religious folk) need to have open minds, then I need to do the same.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
A new start... maybe not so serious this time.
Thanks to my wonderful friend, Lori at adayinmotherhood.com, I have decided to give this blogging gig another try. I wrote a guest post for her blog and she was so kind to publish it. I think I quit blogging because I was taking it way too seriously, thinking every post had to have some serious message behind it. I guess that is why I only made it to four posts. This time, I'm going to try to take things a little less seriously and hopefully I'll entertain a person or two in the process.
Crystal
Crystal
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Do You Spank Him?
Someone asked me during a conversation recently if I spank Kaden or give him time-outs. I guess the question rather surprised me and took me off guard. I mean, Kaden is only 16 months old.
She asked me the question after I mentioned Kaden has been throwing temper tantrums lately, even banging his head against things when he doesn’t get his way. I’m not going to punish him for that. He doesn’t yet know how to express his anger or frustration in any other way. It’s not like he can say, “Mommy, I am really angry right now”. I think the best way to deal with tantrums is to simply ignore them and, most importantly, not change my “no” to a “yes” or otherwise “give in” to what he wants after he throws a tantrum. He’ll eventually learn that tantrums do not get him what he wants and stop them. Or at least I hope so. If he’s still throwing them when he is older and better able to understand me and express himself verbally, then we’ll need to reassess how we’re handling it.
The only ways I discipline Kaden at this point are (1) telling him “no”, “stop”, etc., (2) taking something away from him (in cases where the item is involved in the negative behavior), (3) putting him down or stopping playing with him, (4) ignoring him when he throws a temper tantrum, or (5) holding him in my lap for a few seconds if he keeps doing something he shouldn’t do and I can’t distract him. That is as close to a time-out as I get. I suppose I could put him in his crib (which we never use) for a time-out, but how else could you get a 16 month old to stay in one place? I can’t say “Go sit in the naughty chair, Kaden” and expect him to listen. He is just too young.
The person who asked me about spanking and time-outs has never had children of her own, so maybe she really doesn’t understand where a 16 month old is developmentally. (She has step-grandchildren, but never raised children herself.) I certainly couldn’t have told you before I had a child of my own.
I am against spanking in general, but especially at this age (and earlier). There is no way he could understand why mommy was hurting him. I honestly just can not imagine laying my hands on him in that way. It almost brings me to tears just thinking about it. My disciplinary techniques will certainly change over time, as he ages and matures. I want the discipline to match the behavior and the child. I am not sure what techniques I will use exactly, and I certainly do not claim to be any kind of expert, but I have no plans whatsoever to use spanking for discipline.
She asked me the question after I mentioned Kaden has been throwing temper tantrums lately, even banging his head against things when he doesn’t get his way. I’m not going to punish him for that. He doesn’t yet know how to express his anger or frustration in any other way. It’s not like he can say, “Mommy, I am really angry right now”. I think the best way to deal with tantrums is to simply ignore them and, most importantly, not change my “no” to a “yes” or otherwise “give in” to what he wants after he throws a tantrum. He’ll eventually learn that tantrums do not get him what he wants and stop them. Or at least I hope so. If he’s still throwing them when he is older and better able to understand me and express himself verbally, then we’ll need to reassess how we’re handling it.
The only ways I discipline Kaden at this point are (1) telling him “no”, “stop”, etc., (2) taking something away from him (in cases where the item is involved in the negative behavior), (3) putting him down or stopping playing with him, (4) ignoring him when he throws a temper tantrum, or (5) holding him in my lap for a few seconds if he keeps doing something he shouldn’t do and I can’t distract him. That is as close to a time-out as I get. I suppose I could put him in his crib (which we never use) for a time-out, but how else could you get a 16 month old to stay in one place? I can’t say “Go sit in the naughty chair, Kaden” and expect him to listen. He is just too young.
The person who asked me about spanking and time-outs has never had children of her own, so maybe she really doesn’t understand where a 16 month old is developmentally. (She has step-grandchildren, but never raised children herself.) I certainly couldn’t have told you before I had a child of my own.
I am against spanking in general, but especially at this age (and earlier). There is no way he could understand why mommy was hurting him. I honestly just can not imagine laying my hands on him in that way. It almost brings me to tears just thinking about it. My disciplinary techniques will certainly change over time, as he ages and matures. I want the discipline to match the behavior and the child. I am not sure what techniques I will use exactly, and I certainly do not claim to be any kind of expert, but I have no plans whatsoever to use spanking for discipline.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Baby Number Two??
My husband tells me that only insane people have a second child (or more). Well, I guess I’m insane because I want another one… I think. Part of me does at least. Another part of me just can not imagine loving another child the way I love Kaden. I know that I would, but it really is difficult to think about. It is like how one really can’t imagine what it is like to have a child until they do. I know that I can’t really know what it will be like to have two.
It is just that I feel like this child is the most special child on earth, so how could another one possibly compare to him? I know that is probably irrational and of course a second child would be just as special. I just can’t imagine it.
And I love doting all my affection (well, I do save some for my husband) on this one child, giving him all my maternal energy, and cherishing every moment with him. Will I short change him, or the new child, if I have another one? During the first six to nine months of Kaden’s life, I really felt I had no energy to spare for anyone else, including my husband. I was so exhausted all the time and caring for him just consumed me. So I guess I’m afraid if I have another baby, that for at least half a year, I won’t be able to give Kaden the attention he needs and deserves; not to even mention my husband.
Can I really handle it? I honestly don’t know. What if the baby has health problems or is just especially difficult or colicky? What if the baby just won’t sleep well (the same problem I had with Kaden)? I know there are a million “what if’s”. I guess when you have children, you are just taking a blind leap-of-faith that you can deal with whatever comes your way. I don’t know if I’m ready for that.
My husband and I had a talk over the weekend, and while he made the above statement about being insane to have another one, he understands that I just have this need to have one more. During the difficult times with Kaden, my husband was adamant that he didn’t want to have any more kids. I think he sees now that those times are just temporary and that we can make it through. And while we can’t predict what it will be like with a second child, we both know we’ve learned a lot; not necessarily about how to be better parents necessarily, but how to “roll with the punches” (for lack of a better phrase) and not spend so much time worrying and stressing over every little thing. (OK, I admit it, that lesson really had to be learned mostly by me).
I don’t know if it was the talk we had or what, but I found myself doting over my friend’s six month old last night and wanting to hold and play with him. I really am not the type of person who usually gets warm and fuzzy feelings when I’m around infants, and while I’ve of course held my friend’s baby before, I don’t every time I’m around them, nor do I want to. But it seems some kind of baby spark has been lit inside me and I just couldn’t get enough of him last night.
So where does all of this leave me? Well, as of right now, I think we’re going to start trying to conceive some time next year, after Kaden turns two, so that he will be three (or almost) by the time the baby is born. I really don’t think I could handle two little ones that are so reliant on me for their every need. Yes, my husband helps out, but it seems no matter how big of a feminist I think I am, I end up doing most of the childcare. (But the trade-off, at least, is that my husband has to do the majority of the housework.) And I think once a new baby is here, then he will take a bigger role with Kaden.
So that’s the plan for now. (And if you know me well at all, everything has to be planned.)
It is just that I feel like this child is the most special child on earth, so how could another one possibly compare to him? I know that is probably irrational and of course a second child would be just as special. I just can’t imagine it.
And I love doting all my affection (well, I do save some for my husband) on this one child, giving him all my maternal energy, and cherishing every moment with him. Will I short change him, or the new child, if I have another one? During the first six to nine months of Kaden’s life, I really felt I had no energy to spare for anyone else, including my husband. I was so exhausted all the time and caring for him just consumed me. So I guess I’m afraid if I have another baby, that for at least half a year, I won’t be able to give Kaden the attention he needs and deserves; not to even mention my husband.
Can I really handle it? I honestly don’t know. What if the baby has health problems or is just especially difficult or colicky? What if the baby just won’t sleep well (the same problem I had with Kaden)? I know there are a million “what if’s”. I guess when you have children, you are just taking a blind leap-of-faith that you can deal with whatever comes your way. I don’t know if I’m ready for that.
My husband and I had a talk over the weekend, and while he made the above statement about being insane to have another one, he understands that I just have this need to have one more. During the difficult times with Kaden, my husband was adamant that he didn’t want to have any more kids. I think he sees now that those times are just temporary and that we can make it through. And while we can’t predict what it will be like with a second child, we both know we’ve learned a lot; not necessarily about how to be better parents necessarily, but how to “roll with the punches” (for lack of a better phrase) and not spend so much time worrying and stressing over every little thing. (OK, I admit it, that lesson really had to be learned mostly by me).
I don’t know if it was the talk we had or what, but I found myself doting over my friend’s six month old last night and wanting to hold and play with him. I really am not the type of person who usually gets warm and fuzzy feelings when I’m around infants, and while I’ve of course held my friend’s baby before, I don’t every time I’m around them, nor do I want to. But it seems some kind of baby spark has been lit inside me and I just couldn’t get enough of him last night.
So where does all of this leave me? Well, as of right now, I think we’re going to start trying to conceive some time next year, after Kaden turns two, so that he will be three (or almost) by the time the baby is born. I really don’t think I could handle two little ones that are so reliant on me for their every need. Yes, my husband helps out, but it seems no matter how big of a feminist I think I am, I end up doing most of the childcare. (But the trade-off, at least, is that my husband has to do the majority of the housework.) And I think once a new baby is here, then he will take a bigger role with Kaden.
So that’s the plan for now. (And if you know me well at all, everything has to be planned.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)