I've written before about mommy labels, but lately I've been thinking about the labels we all put on our kids. I mean, we try not to. But we do.
For example, Baby Boy K is the somewhat socially-awkward, book-smart, marching-to-his-own-drum type. While Baby Boy B is the social, physically advanced (probably going to be athletic), smart in a figure-out-how-to-do-things way, sweet and mean at the same time, and flirty one. This is how we see them. I mean, it is how they act right now at age 4 years and 22 months.
While these labels aren't overtly negative, I really fear placing the kids in a box. While basic personality doesn't tend to change, we all learn and grow and change to certain degrees. Growing up I felt like I was trapped by others' perceptions of me, having to be a certain way because that is how other people thought of me. I don't want that to happen to my kids, if I can help it.
While I'm very much guilty of using these labels (which isn't always a bad thing), I try to counter act them by paying attention to and pointing out when they do things that don't fall into those labels. For example, I try to brag on Baby Boy B when he does or says something "smart". I try to encourage Kaden when he interacts well with other children. I love that Kaden is not a follower, but I try to encourage him to some times go along with his playmates in whatever they want to do.
Somehow there has to be a balance between showcasing their natural strengths and talents and also encouraging them to be open to new experiences.
What are the labels stuck on your kids? Do you try to combat the labels in any way?
Friday, December 3, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
My little four-year-old liar
Baby boy K is in preschool. He is honestly one of the most well-behaved children out there. At the last parent-teacher conference, Mrs. P told me he never gives her any trouble and is such a pleasure to teach. (Yes, I’m a proud momma.) But…
We have a lying problem on our hands. Apparently he did get in trouble at school one day. It wasn’t a big deal at all, but he got a time out. He reports on his behavior every day, and we thought something was going on when he said he didn’t want to talk about it. But later on, when my husband talked to him one on one, he promised he hadn’t gotten in trouble, and that was the “truth”. But it wasn’t.
The thing is, I have no idea why he doesn’t want us to know so badly. I can only guess that he just doesn’t want to disappoint us. But I really, really want him to feel like he can tell us anything!
To further complicate things, my husband doesn’t know yet that it was a lie. My mother-in-law spoke to the teacher when she dropped him off the next school day and the teacher told her about it. I (dumbly) promised her I wouldn’t tell DH before she would tell me what she found out. (She didn’t want DH to be mad at K for lying.) (And yes, I should have talked to the teacher directly myself.)
Now, I don’t know what to do. I talked to K, telling him that I knew that he had gotten a time-out at school, and that it was OK because everyone makes mistakes, but that he shouldn’t have lied about it, and that he should always tell us the truth. I haven’t told DH. He will probably find out about it at the next teacher’s conference. And I hate not telling him. But it’s been a week now. So who do I tick off, DH or MIL? Or just pretend to be surprised at the teacher conference?
K has been showing other signs of lying too, small white lies, (i.e. “yes, I ate all my beans”), to saying things like, “I’ll just tell daddy...” something that is not true. I don’t want to raise a pathological liar, and I feel guilty that K has not had any consequences for lying.
Does anyone have any ideas??
UPDATE:
About a week after the incident, Baby Boy K suddenly confessed that he had gotten a time out. We simply told him that it was OK but next time he needs to tell us when things like that happen. I guess he'll be alright after all. ;-)
We have a lying problem on our hands. Apparently he did get in trouble at school one day. It wasn’t a big deal at all, but he got a time out. He reports on his behavior every day, and we thought something was going on when he said he didn’t want to talk about it. But later on, when my husband talked to him one on one, he promised he hadn’t gotten in trouble, and that was the “truth”. But it wasn’t.
The thing is, I have no idea why he doesn’t want us to know so badly. I can only guess that he just doesn’t want to disappoint us. But I really, really want him to feel like he can tell us anything!
To further complicate things, my husband doesn’t know yet that it was a lie. My mother-in-law spoke to the teacher when she dropped him off the next school day and the teacher told her about it. I (dumbly) promised her I wouldn’t tell DH before she would tell me what she found out. (She didn’t want DH to be mad at K for lying.) (And yes, I should have talked to the teacher directly myself.)
Now, I don’t know what to do. I talked to K, telling him that I knew that he had gotten a time-out at school, and that it was OK because everyone makes mistakes, but that he shouldn’t have lied about it, and that he should always tell us the truth. I haven’t told DH. He will probably find out about it at the next teacher’s conference. And I hate not telling him. But it’s been a week now. So who do I tick off, DH or MIL? Or just pretend to be surprised at the teacher conference?
K has been showing other signs of lying too, small white lies, (i.e. “yes, I ate all my beans”), to saying things like, “I’ll just tell daddy...” something that is not true. I don’t want to raise a pathological liar, and I feel guilty that K has not had any consequences for lying.
Does anyone have any ideas??
UPDATE:
About a week after the incident, Baby Boy K suddenly confessed that he had gotten a time out. We simply told him that it was OK but next time he needs to tell us when things like that happen. I guess he'll be alright after all. ;-)
Thursday, November 18, 2010
A new start with religion?
I’ve been thinking about religion a lot lately. I grew up Baptist, was baptized and considered myself a Christian as a young teen. As I grew up, I found myself not agreeing with a lot of things the church said and really wondering if there was actually a god at all. I’ve considered myself agnostic, bordering on atheist for a while now. But…
My husband wants to go to church. He thinks it would be good for the boys and a way for us to feel like more of a part of the community. I’ve been very reluctant about it, but finally agreed. As it came time to go, I actually found myself getting excited about the prospect, which has really surprised me. I told him I wanted to try an Episcopal church because my liberal views aren’t going to change, and if I am going to go to church, it has to be a liberal one. (And there aren’t that many liberal choices in our small Kentucky town.)
So we went a couple of weeks ago. We walked in to the church and were immediately greeted by someone. Several people came to introduce themselves to us. We took our seats and waited for the service to begin. The service was of course very different than anything I was accustomed to, having really only been to Baptist churches. It seems to be more of a ceremony of sorts. It was hard to concentrate though because Baby Boy B was restless, wanting to run around, and Baby Boy K started crying (whining) to go home. We only lasted 30 minutes.
I was disappointed, but not ready to give it up. I can’t believe I am actually pushing this! I e-mailed the church through their website, explaining why we left and asking about their thoughts about children. The pastor (a woman) ended up calling me and we had a very nice conversation. She said she loves to see kids in the service, and their restlessness didn’t bother her at all, but they do have a nursery if we would rather do that.
So I think we will. I’m not sure if I’ll ever become a true believer in God or Jesus Christ. But at least at this church, they don’t scream at you every week, telling you that you have to do x, y and z or you’re going to hell, and women must be submissive to their husbands and not have any kind of leadership role in the church. I don’t mean to offend any Baptists out there, but that was just my experience growing up.
I’ve been very critical of organized religion, especially Christianity, and I still have my qualms about it all. But since I feel like they (religious folk) need to have open minds, then I need to do the same.
My husband wants to go to church. He thinks it would be good for the boys and a way for us to feel like more of a part of the community. I’ve been very reluctant about it, but finally agreed. As it came time to go, I actually found myself getting excited about the prospect, which has really surprised me. I told him I wanted to try an Episcopal church because my liberal views aren’t going to change, and if I am going to go to church, it has to be a liberal one. (And there aren’t that many liberal choices in our small Kentucky town.)
So we went a couple of weeks ago. We walked in to the church and were immediately greeted by someone. Several people came to introduce themselves to us. We took our seats and waited for the service to begin. The service was of course very different than anything I was accustomed to, having really only been to Baptist churches. It seems to be more of a ceremony of sorts. It was hard to concentrate though because Baby Boy B was restless, wanting to run around, and Baby Boy K started crying (whining) to go home. We only lasted 30 minutes.
I was disappointed, but not ready to give it up. I can’t believe I am actually pushing this! I e-mailed the church through their website, explaining why we left and asking about their thoughts about children. The pastor (a woman) ended up calling me and we had a very nice conversation. She said she loves to see kids in the service, and their restlessness didn’t bother her at all, but they do have a nursery if we would rather do that.
So I think we will. I’m not sure if I’ll ever become a true believer in God or Jesus Christ. But at least at this church, they don’t scream at you every week, telling you that you have to do x, y and z or you’re going to hell, and women must be submissive to their husbands and not have any kind of leadership role in the church. I don’t mean to offend any Baptists out there, but that was just my experience growing up.
I’ve been very critical of organized religion, especially Christianity, and I still have my qualms about it all. But since I feel like they (religious folk) need to have open minds, then I need to do the same.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
A new start... maybe not so serious this time.
Thanks to my wonderful friend, Lori at adayinmotherhood.com, I have decided to give this blogging gig another try. I wrote a guest post for her blog and she was so kind to publish it. I think I quit blogging because I was taking it way too seriously, thinking every post had to have some serious message behind it. I guess that is why I only made it to four posts. This time, I'm going to try to take things a little less seriously and hopefully I'll entertain a person or two in the process.
Crystal
Crystal
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