Baby Number Two??

My husband tells me that only insane people have a second child (or more). Well, I guess I’m insane because I want another one… I think. Part of me does at least. Another part of me just can not imagine loving another child the way I love Kaden. I know that I would, but it really is difficult to think about. It is like how one really can’t imagine what it is like to have a child until they do. I know that I can’t really know what it will be like to have two.

It is just that I feel like this child is the most special child on earth, so how could another one possibly compare to him? I know that is probably irrational and of course a second child would be just as special. I just can’t imagine it.

And I love doting all my affection (well, I do save some for my husband) on this one child, giving him all my maternal energy, and cherishing every moment with him. Will I short change him, or the new child, if I have another one? During the first six to nine months of Kaden’s life, I really felt I had no energy to spare for anyone else, including my husband. I was so exhausted all the time and caring for him just consumed me. So I guess I’m afraid if I have another baby, that for at least half a year, I won’t be able to give Kaden the attention he needs and deserves; not to even mention my husband.

Can I really handle it? I honestly don’t know. What if the baby has health problems or is just especially difficult or colicky? What if the baby just won’t sleep well (the same problem I had with Kaden)? I know there are a million “what if’s”. I guess when you have children, you are just taking a blind leap-of-faith that you can deal with whatever comes your way. I don’t know if I’m ready for that.

My husband and I had a talk over the weekend, and while he made the above statement about being insane to have another one, he understands that I just have this need to have one more. During the difficult times with Kaden, my husband was adamant that he didn’t want to have any more kids. I think he sees now that those times are just temporary and that we can make it through. And while we can’t predict what it will be like with a second child, we both know we’ve learned a lot; not necessarily about how to be better parents necessarily, but how to “roll with the punches” (for lack of a better phrase) and not spend so much time worrying and stressing over every little thing. (OK, I admit it, that lesson really had to be learned mostly by me).

I don’t know if it was the talk we had or what, but I found myself doting over my friend’s six month old last night and wanting to hold and play with him. I really am not the type of person who usually gets warm and fuzzy feelings when I’m around infants, and while I’ve of course held my friend’s baby before, I don’t every time I’m around them, nor do I want to. But it seems some kind of baby spark has been lit inside me and I just couldn’t get enough of him last night.

So where does all of this leave me? Well, as of right now, I think we’re going to start trying to conceive some time next year, after Kaden turns two, so that he will be three (or almost) by the time the baby is born. I really don’t think I could handle two little ones that are so reliant on me for their every need. Yes, my husband helps out, but it seems no matter how big of a feminist I think I am, I end up doing most of the childcare. (But the trade-off, at least, is that my husband has to do the majority of the housework.) And I think once a new baby is here, then he will take a bigger role with Kaden.

So that’s the plan for now. (And if you know me well at all, everything has to be planned.)