Moments that Shape Us

Have you ever though about the moments in your life that have changed you in some way or left a significant impact on how you view the world? Perhaps we are born with a base personality, but our experiences throughout life shape us and our outlooks.

One of the earliest traumatic experiences in my life happened when I was about 5 or so. We lived in government house (a.k.a, the projects) and I had a little bicycle I was riding around the sidewalk out front. I was a big rectangle with another sidewalk through the middle, so it was kind of a square “8”. Well, that bicycle must have been in horrible shape because the next thing I know, 3 or 4 kids are surrounding me, chasing me, and making fun of my bicycle. I went home crying. I mean, how bad must it have been for the other project kids to make fun of it? My dad immediately took me and my sister to the store and used the last of his money to buy us both brand new bikes. I think this experience was one of the first that led me to believe my family and I were not as “good” as other people.

This feeling is, at least in part, what caused me to behave the way I did in high school and even the start of college. I so badly wanted to fit in with the “popular” kids, i.e. the kids who came from families with money. I specifically set out to be a snob. I tried to ignore and get rid of friends who were not popular. I guess I thought if I behaved like I was in the popular crowd, then I would be. It didn’t work of course. I never fit in. Part of that may just be my personality. I often have trouble fitting in with groups. Then when I started college, I saw it as an opportunity to “reinvent” myself. No one knew me, so I could be anyone I wanted to be. So who did I try to become? A whiny, attention-seeking girl who flirted with all the guys and led them on. Nice, huh? I guess I thought I would be popular then, at least with the guys.

So I really think all these behaviors go back to that feeling of not being as good as other people, and trying desperately somehow to be ‘as good’. I have struggled with this all my life, and I think I have mostly conquered it, though that feeling rears its head from time to time. It helps to be aware of it so I can purge it before it takes hold of my consciousness.

Another experience that had a profound effect on me for many years happened when I was 11 or 12 I think. A friend of my parents that they knew from church was dying of cancer and we went to visit him. The last time I saw this man he looked perfectly healthy. On this visit, he looked grotesque. He was covered in these huge, red sores, all over his body and face. I couldn’t stand to look at him, much less be near him or give him a hug. I think I was just too young to process what was going on. From that day forward, I was fearful of death, but more the act of dying, and specifically deadly diseases. I swear I spent so many years, the healthiest years of my life, so afraid of getting some horrible disease and dying. I obsessed about it, thought about it at night, “what if I have this or that disease and don’t know it?” It was horrible.

I honestly don’t think I fully got over that fear until I got pregnant. Then all my worries were for my unborn child and they are still for him, now that he is born. But I’m not obsessive about it and I don’t lie awake at night thinking about all the horrible things that might happen to him. (Well, at least not too often.)

I’ve come to realize that if you find yourself overreacting to something or acting in an irrational way when something happens, you can often trace that reaction back to a traumatic experience in your past. I think this is true for most of us, if not all. Learning this has really helped me move past some of my biggest fears. They’re still there—but being aware of why I feel the way I do helps me to move forward. It might just work for you too.